For many years I enjoyed a wonderful and close relationship with God. I was actually excited to get up each morning and spend time with him, read his word, talk to him and hear him speak. I learned and grew so much in those years. They weren’t perfect, my life was still my life, messy, challenging, I was still full of doubts and insecurities, I still fought with my husband and my children were still wild and out of control. That is life, but the foundation around which it all revolved was the rock of God. And I was happy.
Then life started getting complicated. Not normal complicated, not the usual challenges of life complicated but truly difficult complicated. And then another complication came along, and then another and then another. Each one on their own difficult but piled on top of each other became a burden I couldn’t bear. And when it was all over I found myself very bruised and battered and broken in many pieces. And a little lost.
Throughout most of this healing year as I have sat down to try to connect with God I would imagine myself at the end of a long bridge looking across. I imagined my restored faith was on the other side and I desperately wanted that back. But I just could not bring myself to take even one step toward the other side. I struggled with this fact through most of this year. I missed my close walk with God but could not bring myself to walk toward it.
What I finally realized was that it wasn’t my faith I didn’t want to return to but the life that went with it. It was a great life, a life I loved, but it is over and I am so significantly changed, I can never go back to become that person again. I don’t even want to. And that is good. Part of going through challenges in life is growing and becoming more. I did not love those lessons but I won’t give up the knowledge I gained from them.
I started calling it my box. I didn’t want to get back into the box. The problem was I didn’t know what my faith or life looked like outside the box. So I continued to stand at the edge of the bridge looking across, unmoving. I couldn’t see the other side but I imagined God was there waiting for me. So in some ways just looking across knowing He was there helped maintain my faith. And I started talking to him a little more than I had been about things besides the challenges of my life. And it was feeling pretty good to just hang on the other side of the bridge. Out of my box and feeling free but still within shouting distance of God.
Then I was reading through Psalms and I got to 139. Sometimes when I get to really familiar passages I am tempted to skip them because I have read them so many times I figure they have lost all meaning. But I didn’t do that and I am glad. Because today God showed me this:
As I was reading I imagined myself standing at that bridge as usual. But this time I saw something I hadn’t noticed before. God wasn’t on the other side of the bridge, He was standing next to me. “Where can I go from your Spirit?” God isn’t on the island with my old faith and my old life waiting for me to return. He goes with me. He goes up to the heavens with me and down to the depths with me and everywhere in between. I do not have to cross that bridge, I don’t have to return to that life and that person to restore my relationship with God. I don’t have to get back in my box or even try to navigate around my box. I can completely walk away from the box. He is right here, in this new life I am living in, with the new me I have become.
I feel so free! Where will we go? What will we do first? Me and God.